|picture taken three years ago at my highschool graduation :)|
I don't know if my mother will see this in as much as she perpetually stalks me online but I hope not. Today, she turned 50 and I haven't even greeted her yet.
Growing up and entering this roller coaster ride of emotional disturbances and hormonal imbalances, my mom and I do not go along with each other on a lot of things and we often engage in heated arguments and altercations both of us, most of the time, not backing down. My parents separated when I was 6 and since then, I never experienced having a dad. I do still have a father around checking on me every now and then, but not a dad. I know this has bearing upon every aspect of my being; my self-esteem, behavior, personality etc. Given this ugly circumstance, I expected more understanding from my mother, more empathy, more compassion, more gentleness. Rather, I feel attacked, misunderstood and completely alone for I don't have anyone to talk to inside this house other than myself. I hated her for that. I hate her for judging me instead of understanding where I'm coming from. I hate her for saying rude things to me, cos those words affect me more than she could ever comprehend, shattering any confidence I have left in me. I hate her for pushing me away when I was little every time I hug her. I hate her for not saying sorry, I love you and goodnight to me as I grow up. I hate her for making me not say those things to her now because it's just awkward and not me anymore. I hate her for bitching around whenever I disclose problems and difficulties about school and stuff. I hate her for acting like she hasn't had any idea how I came to be myself today, when in fact, she's all the reason I am what I am now. I hate her for being so pessimistic about life, I'm afraid I'm starting to acquire this thought process already. I hate her for having so many issues, pushing me to understand her in this time when I have issues myself, to deal with. I hate her for hundreds of reasons. But in spite of this, I loved her. And I always do. Because she's my mother and I'm nothing without her and no amount of money will ever equal the sacrifices she took raising me. I may not be admitting this to myself (and to her as well )most of the time, but I'll always be forever grateful I have her in my life.